Compassion in the face of genocide

A discussion between Hammam Farah and Dr. Gabor Mate

I began to listen to Dr. Gabor Mate about two weeks after October 7th. Growing up in an Arab American family but not having strong ties to my roots, like many Arabs born in the United States, meant that I had vague and poorly formed ideas about what was going on in Gaza. I was not fully brainwashed by the western media about Palestine but I was not well enough informed to articulate the issues of colonization. I was uncomfortable with the word “genocide”, and I was strongly unsure how to express myself in any kind of public setting.

Dr. Mate’s videos helped me substantially in those first weeks. Empathy and compassion suffused every video I watched and I think I saw almost all of them.

So I was incredibly eager to hear Dr. Mate engage in a conversation with my friend Hammam. These were two men who I deeply respect and admire. Hammam took his pain and grief and found a way to channel it towards something that could help alleviate the pain and suffering of people in a concrete way. Dr. Mate found a way to help me express my grief but to also firmly place the onus of moral responsibility without feeling guilty or unsure of the truth of my convictions.

This video where Dr. Mate speaks to an Israeli woman is a prime example of how Dr. Mate has managed to thread the needle between speaking to a woman with compassion and empathy while also being firm in the truth and not deviating from speaking the truth even as the discussion was uncomfortable and not well received.

To find where we can agree and to stand firm when stories have been refuted is an incredibly challenging task and one I am grateful to have seen, even as I continue to struggle with navigating.

To listen to two men who are fighting against genocide using their particular strengths and talents was something I was excited to participate in.

Dr. Mate and Hammam began with a very professional discussion on how to navigate Zionism within the therapeutic world. It was interesting but maintained a kind of professional distance.

The discussion warmed up and became truly intimate when Hammam opened up about his feelings around Aunt Elham. Hammam displayed a great amount of openness and personal vulnerability as he admitted to his guilt for not being there for Aunt Elham and his family in Gaza. Hammam’s personal feelings of guilt were palpable as he shared how the last time Aunt Elham called him but Hammam did not pick up.

The discussion shifted at this point from a collegial and academic discussion to a personal therapy session shared whole. Dr. Mate offered his condolences and compassion and thoughts on how to help Hammam differentiate between accountability and shame. Acknowledging that it would have been better for Hammam to pick up the phone when Aunt Elham called versus holding onto the shame of not picking up the phone. I was moved to tears as Dr. Mate shared his thoughts about how Hammam's feelings of being in Canada and his drive to succeed in order to make his family’s sacrifice mean something plays a role in Hammam’s mixed relationship with his family in Gaza. The drive that Hammam and other Palestinians feel to be worthy of that sacrifice makes his act of not picking up the phone understandable and an act worthy of compassion.

As a bystander I felt a wave of compassion for Hammam and a sense of appreciation. I felt as though Dr. Mate was counseling me and helping me work through my own sense of guilt for ignoring the suffering of Gaza for so long. Modeling the thought process of what I saw between these two men helped me work through my own shame.

Dr. Mate concluded by expressing heartfelt thanks and appreciation to Hammam for the work that he is doing. He was very impressed by the Elham Fund and our ability to effectively solve the trust problem with donating. Not to minimize other organizations and their efforts but we are one of the few that are able to effectively vet families both electronically and in person through our personal network in Gaza. By eliminating the friction of “am I giving this money to a family in need or to a bot?” We are able to help people donate with a clear conscience and with the guarantee that their efforts are directly contributing to the well being of a specific family, one that they can follow up with.

It was incredibly gratifying to see Dr. Mate put his trust in our organization and make multiple donations to us. It was incredibly gratifying to see Hammam work through some portion of the emotional weight that he has had to bear for all of his life.

We are all giving what we can because the people of Gaza are deliberately being made to suffer. We are giving without any expectation of receiving anything in return. But as is always the case when we give to others without expectations, we wind up receiving far greater value than what we have given.

Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for all your support and generosity. Thank you for being a lifeline for Gaza.

Sincerely,

Hammam Farah

Executive Director

Elham Fund